Seven months

The day I got the letter to start hormones was one of the happiest days of my life. I took the letter and held the tears in until I got to my car. I held the letter against my chest and wept uncontrollably for what seemed like an eternity. The letter. Someone believes me. Someone has given me the affirmation I have waited in hiding for my whole life. The letter. It was mine. I could take it to a doctor, get my pills and start my journey. I could put the letter in my hope box and just know I have it. I could fold it and put it in my pocket.

The day I walked in to the endocrinologists office I was petrified. Happy, excited, but petrified. I was treading in open water and the sharks were circling around me just waiting to feed on my weakness. I held my chin high and signed the roster, took a seat and waited. While I sat there filling out the hundreds of forms they needed I was called to the back. They took the clipboard and we walked into a room.

"Why are you here?"

Looking down I handed her my coveted letter.

"Oh, you're here for hormone replacement?'

"Yes"

"OK, we start are patients on a very low dose estrogen and no T blocker."

"OK"

"You'll need blood work in a few months. Do you want to do it here or at another lab?"

"I'll get it done at the lab."

And I walked out.

I had the script in hand. Estrogen __mg 1 SL QD (That's one under the tongue daily.) It had my name on it, it was mine. The way it was given to me was factual, cold and belittling. But who cares, I got my script. I drove home with a bitter/sweet taste in my mouth. I was worried about starting hormone therapy and a little concerned about how my roomie would react. It's big step. The pharmacy filled the script and I had one months supply of hormones in my hand. Estrogen!!!!

That night I took out the bottle and sat on the couch with Lucy. We talked about he changes and what would happen. We talked about the side effects and what the warning signs are. We talked about our future and intimacy. When all the questions were asked and answered, when our mouths were dry from to much talk, I opened the bottle and put the little pill in my hand. For such a tiny little pill, it weighed a lot. Not literally, but figuratively.

I dropped it under my tongue, closed my eyes and smiled. The journey had begun.

The tiny pill melted under my tongue and the sweetness filled my mouth. At first I thought it curious that the sweetness that the pill represented would be so strong in actual flavor, then I realized, they did that on purpose. they knew it would be melting in your mouth. It didn't matter, the sweetness to me meant the end to the bitter life I had lived for so long.

That was March 19, 2011

The changes were subtle. A smell here, a different feel to my skin, painful breasts that seemed to hurt just so good. I embraced the changes as tightly as I could. I held on to them. Putting each memory into the small memory bank in my mind.

The first few months went by and my lab work was due, as was my first follow-up with the endo. I had my labs done and was shocked to find my numbers were all over the place. My testosterone was still well into the normal male range and my estrogen level was barely into the low normal range for a female. Sigh! I was hoping for better, but knew I was on a tiny stating dose and it takes a while. With results in hand I went to the endo.

"Hi, why are you here today?"

"HUH, you made the follow-up appt. Did you read your notes?" I was a bit snarky. I had made the appt with the Dr and I was seeing the NP. I'm fine with it, but she really had no clue.

"I see you're not into the normal ranges yet."

"Not even close. Again snarky.

"OK, well, lets" double your estrogen to __ and we will see you in 4 mths."

"What about a T blocker?"

"We don't like to give them until the first year."

"Um, seriously? My T hasn't dropped and I'm no spring chicken. Time is not on my side."

"I"ll ask the doctor and see what she says."

"Fine, call me or just call in the script to Walgreens." I gave the number and the fax number.

Of I go. A whole day wasted. I understood the take it easy approach in the early stages, but that time had come and gone. It was time to be a little more aggressive with the treatment. At first I cried. I knew it was going to take time, but I expected them to at least attempt to get my numbers where they should be. OK, slow on the E, but no T blocker? I asked all the girls at the groups and they were all on triple my dose and all on some kind of T blocker. I got the name of another doctor and made an appt.

My appt with the new doctor came. She was the nicest person in the world. She sat with me, asked me questions about my life and what brought me to her. She asked me why I wanted to transition. She seemed genuinely concerned with my care. Then we started talked about the medications I was taking. She was shocked. I left her office with what we felt was best for me. It wasn't the max dosages and at the time it seemed conservative, but right.

Time continued on and so did the changes. My breasts were growing. My skin was much softer and thanks to laser and the hormones, my hair was mostly gone. My face had changed and taken a more female shape and for the first time in my life, I smiled more than I frowned. I was happy. I was living as a female.

I got my gender marker changed on my license and put in my name change with the courts. I was becoming female. No longer did I have to put on the facade of maleness. I could cry at sad commercials, or in a movie. I could wear heels and lipstick. I could wear a bracelet that clinked when I moved. I could be me, I could be happy.

Today is the 7 month anniversary of starting hormones. 7 months, a drop in the bucket as time goes. 1/78th of my life on earth. In that time I have lost all of my family. I have lost most of my friends. I have made new friends. I have the most important person still with me, my roomie.

I still cry a lot. I still have days where I wish I wasn't. I still have broken empty dreams. But they are all subsiding. I am finding happiness in the small things and letting them grow inside me.

7 months. 1/78th of my life.